Pregnancy Ponderings

The pastor of the church that I work at asked me to write down part of my pregnancy experiences to supplement a Christmas sermon on Mary.

Hope you enjoy! Here's what I've pondered through my pregnancy journey in 2010 AD. :-)

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was very scared. Selfishly, I even had the audacity to feel inconvenienced! I knew children were expensive and wondered how we'd pay for this (much less continue to pay off our debt). I wondered how we'd pay for childcare. I wondered how we'd continue to go out to eat, and go hiking, and hang out with friends, when we had a baby to care for! Would our friends who didn't have children still hang out with us after the baby was born? After the nine week ultrasound, though, and being able to see this tiny baby for the first time, those petty worries didn't seem to matter as much. Things changed that day as I looked at the screen at the little child God was weaving together in my womb. I was completely amazed that He had entrusted this life to us, and I was smitten. After that, a feeling began to grow in my heart that I'd not really experienced before... a fierce, protective love for the life I was carrying. Over the weeks as I continued to carry our baby, I realized that I would stop at nothing to protect him or her. It made me understand mama bears more, as I began to feel that I would be capable of inflicting serious injury on someone who went after my child! I also began to wonder at the God-sized task of raising a child in the fear and admonition of the Lord, given the multitude of sins I struggle with and my often wayward heart.   

Periodically I walk in our baby nursery and just look at it... and daydream about the little person who will sleep in the crib, and be rocked in the glider, and wear those tiny clothes. I wonder if he'll have curly hair like his dad. I wonder how I'll ever be able to clean up throw-up. I wonder what I'll feel the first time he smiles at me... or how it will feel to drop him off at the baby-sitter for the first time.... or how it will feel when he hops out of the car like a big kid on his first day of kindergarten and waves good bye. I've wondered at the absolute joy it will be to watch him or her grow and change and become his own person. I've become excited thinking about all the refrigerator art that is to come... and things like cooking pancakes together on Saturday morning or building a treehouse together. I've wondered at God's ingenius design for families, as I've fallen more in love with my husband as we've been preparing for our baby's arrival and thinking about parenting our child together. I've wondered at the power this child will have to completely break my heart. I've wondered at the excruciating, gut-wrenching pain that it would be to lose my child (though I try not to think about that one too much). I've wondered who would raise our baby if something happened to Jimmy and me. I've wondered at the profound trust in God that parenting will have to grow in me, as my Father God is the only one sovereign over the outcome of my child's life. While I'll do my best to take care of him and provide every opportunity I can for him, I'm powerless to protect him from sickness. From making stupid choices. From accidents. From death. From rebellion against the Lord. I've had to remind myself that God has already ordained our baby's days before they come to pass (Psa. 139:16). He knows the end from the beginning. He has and will continue to arrange the details of our baby's existence so that he or she would one day grope and reach out for God and know Him (Acts 17:26-27). I've relished the fact that God is his or her perfect parent, as I will certainly not be. I've relished that God knows our child through and through.... and loves our child more than we do. Recently, as I've felt these things for my child, I've been amazed at the intensity of God's love for His children... how it must hurt Him when we're estranged from Him, or when we fight against Him. More than anything I've wondered at His ability to spare not HIS OWN SON for the sake of humankind.... I've wondered what it must have felt like to watch Him writhe in pain and die... I wonder how Mary felt through this too?!? And to think that she knew the prophecies... she had to have known, from the beginning, what was coming at the end. How utterly bittersweet. I cannot imagine her faith and trust in God.

On a lighter note, I've wondered about the delivery... and I've been intimidated to think about the around-the-clock schedule babies keep... I've wondered how my husband will still be able to safely commute after the baby has been up in the night, and how much regular coffee I'll start drinking... 

I've had a very smooth pregnancy so far, but it's still interesting to experience another human grow inside of you (and feel like they're taking over!). I didn't get sick any but hated the summer heat with a passion. I felt blah at nighttime from about 6-12 wks. I drank lemonade constantly and wanted corn on the cob a lot. (Odd, I know, but that's what I wanted.) I wonder what Mary craved? Or if the Israeli heat made her feel desperate?! The first time I felt our baby kick I thought it was a kick, but I wasn't sure. Now, it feels like the baby's kick-boxing at times. I love to feel the baby move, though!! Recently the baby has had hiccups several times... that's a weird sensation too. At this point, I don't like picking things up off the floor because it's awkward, at night I sleep on an incline or on my side (I was a stomach-sleeper before), and I almost always wake up sweating. It's a little harder to breathe, a little harder to walk briskly, and just when I feel like my stomach can't get bigger.... it grows. My ankles swell, my fingers feel pudgey at times, and my shoes don't fit very well. But of course it's all more than worth it. (And praise the Lord I don't have to ride a donkey to Granville Medical Center or have my child in a barn!!)

With a thankful heart,

Rebecca